I thought it might be useful to have this in writing, somewhere i can re-read it and gain some kind of perspective of how my head works, for during those times when i'm caught up in it, thats if i manage to get a glimpse of clarity to realise whats going on.
And also it might help someone else who's in a similar situation (because i know theres some of you out there!) to realise that it is a real condition and you're not just going mad, even though thats how it feels at the time.
It's all about FOCUS.
I have little control over what I focus on, or for how long or when and where i do it. It can happen in a small way, or it can be quite prolonged.
For example, i lose track during conversations, especially with someone i'm not that familar with. Something will catch my attention, like a bird flying past, or someone else talking nearby, or it could be something about the persons face, or clothing or even something they mentioned, and i'll not hear the rest of the conversation. So then i'll either say the wrong thing, or laugh and try and cover it up by talking about something else, sometimes if i think i can, without offending the person, i'll ask them to repeat what they said, thats usually with people who know me a bit more. I especially cant keep up in a group situation, i lose track and just end up not talking, or completely interrupt people because i suddenly have something to say and feel i have to say it right there and then which completely disrupts the flow of things. Sometimes i can do it right, but a lot of the time, i just tend to keep my mouth shut and hopefully respond with the right expressions and laugh at the right moments.
I'm ok with people close to me, they know how odd i am and it doesn't matter!
In the longer version of this problem with focusing, is, I'll be intent on something, my latest fad, whatever i've got my claws into, like a few weeks ago i decided that i wanted my dogs to be more socialised so i got on the case and started taking them for a walk every evening (they go out for a run with my partner every morning by the way) then after a few days i realised that i hadn't taken them out for about 5 days! something had got my attention and i didn't even realise i had stopped taking the dogs out! i cant even remember what i was doing instead, but that kind of thing happens all the time and it's really annoying! I'll really get into doing something, something that i really want or need to do, and then some other tasty carrot gets dangled in my face and i unconsciously just drop everything and follow the new carrot.
It effects everything, especially my children, they have no consistency. I try and stick to routines because it makes them feel safe and they know what to expect, but i just cant do routines because i keep falling off the rails, things get chaotic and its only when i cant take it anymore, i try and sort a routine out only to realise that i'd already sorted a routine but had forgotten about it! and round and round it goes....
This problem with focus has a knock-on effect and causes a lot of things to be forgotten.
Like :
cooking-i forget i've turned the hob on, the toast pops and goes cold, things get burnt, things dont get turned on etc..
taps get left on a lot, the hot tap, when i'm waiting for some warm water, i'll get distracted and go off and do something else.
I cant concentrate on doing one task if it means i need to leave the area briefly as i'll start doing something else instead and not realise that i was doing something else first until i walk back there and see half a job.
if i'm focusing on one job i find it hard to stop doing that thing and do something else, so i end up running out of time and not be able to do other jobs.
i daydream a lot, i could quite easily just stare out of the window looking at the trees for hours on end.
i 'tune out' quite a lot into my own little world.
these are the really shit ones:
i forget plans that i made with the kids :(
i forget appointments
i forget to pay bills, take library books back
forget to keep in touch with friends and family
forget to go food shopping
forget to get dinner ready on time
forget to make kids lunch on time
forget to change nappies
forget to give the kids a bath......................
I mean, its not ALWAYS bad, some days are better than others, but basically, what it boils down to is, not a lot gets done.
Also, its only things that interest me at the time will get my attention, things that i consider boring are the things most likely to get forgotten, or avoided altogether
LIKE HOUSEWORK
its SOOOOOO boring, the same thing over and over and over again, and then it needs doing again and again, its like an eternal punishment i feel like sisyphus! and thats whats has helped to create a MASSIVE back log of things that need doing, and now i cant cope with it.
AND I HATE LIVING LIKE THIS!!!
I HATE THE MESS AND I HATE STAGNATING, IT'S DEPRESSES ME!!
it feels like my life isn't going anywhere!
I've tried so many times, made so many brilliant, detailed plans on what needs doing, priorities, made weekly schedules, used post-it notes, white boards and posters stuck everywhere all around, set alarms on my phone, but then more delicious carrots get dangled in front of me with promises of fantastic, amazing things...much more interesting than that other stuff....
I need someone to be following me around with a stick, prodding me, saying "oi, you got to do this!"
but thats not going to happen, well if i had loads of money i could hire someone to do it, but i'd probably get really annoyed at having someone constantly telling me what to do, i'd fire them after about half an hour...
There are good aspects to having ADHD.
i can have a lot of fun, because fun things grab my attention, also, when i'm interested in something, i'll learn it really well, and i CAN get a lot done when my mind is on it. I'm really determined to do what i want to do and i wont let obstacles get in my way, i'll find a way round them some how, and i can think outside the box quite well too.
but at the moment, depression has a hold of me and i'm stuck in the mud. I'm almost alone, but not quite, help is on its way, i just need to keep plodding on, keep breathing......
I can visualise how i want my life to be, how i know it can be, the things i want aren't unobtainable, they're there, waiting for me.....
When i find something that works, i'll report back ;p
